Step Five

“Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

All of A.A.’s Twelve Steps ask us to go contrary to our natural desires…they all deflate our egos.  When it comes to ego deflation, few Steps are harder to take than Five.  But scarcely any Step is more necessary to longtime sobriety and peace of mind than this one.

            So intense, though, is our fear and reluctance to do this, that many A.A.’s at first try to bypass Step Five.  We search for an easier way—which usually consists of the general and fairly painless admission that when drinking we were sometimes bad actors.  Then, for good measure, we add dramatic descriptions of that part of our drinking behavior which our friends probably know about anyhow.

            But of the things which really bother and burn us, we say nothing.  Certain distressing or humiliating memories, we tell ourselves, ought not be shared with anyone.  These will remain our secret.  Not a soul must ever know.  We hope they’ll go to the greave with us.

            Yet if A.A.’s experience means anything at all, this is not only unwise, but is actually a perilous resolve.  Few muddled attitudes have caused us more trouble than holding back on Step Five.  Some people are unable to stay sober at all; others will relapse periodically until they really clean house.  Even A.A. oldtimers, sober for years, often pay dearly for skimping this Step.  They will tell how they tried to carry the load alone; how much they suffered of irritability, anxiety, remorse, and depression; and how, unconsciously seeking relief, they would sometimes accuse even their best friends of the very character defects they themselves were trying to conceal.  They always discovered that relief never came by confessing the sins of other people.  Everybody had to confess his own.

            Until we had talked with completed candor of our conflicts, and had listened to someone else do the same thing, we still didn’t belong.  Step Five was the answer.  It was the beginning of true kinship with man and God.  Only by discussing ourselves, holding back nothing, only by being willing to take advice and accept direction could we set foot on the road to straight thinking, solid honesty, and genuine humility.  Until we actually sit down and talk aloud about what we have so long hidden, our willingness to clean house is still largely theoretical.  When we are honest with another person, it confirms that we have been honest with ourselves and with God.

            Our next problem will be to discover the person in whom we are to confide.  Here we ought to take much care, remembering that prudence is a virtue which carries a high rating.  Perhaps we shall need to share with this person facts about ourselves which no others ought to know.  We shall want to speak with someone who is experienced, who not only has stayed dry but has been able to surmount other serious difficulties.  Difficulties, perhaps, like our own.  This person may turn out to be one’s sponsor, but not necessarily so.  If you have developed a high confidence in him, and his temperament and problems are close to your own, then such a choice will be good.  Besides, your sponsor already has the advantage of knowing something about your case.  In my particular case I did use my first sponsor and the results were incredible.  It created a bond between us that can only be described as pure love.  From that point on I could call him any time of the day or night with a problem and knew that he knew the very best and the very worst of me and that he would give me an answer that was best for me.

            Provided you hold back nothing, your sense of relief will mount from minute to minute.  The dammed-up emotions of years break out of their confinement, and miraculously vanish as soon as they are exposed.  As the pain subsides, a healing tranquility takes its place.  And when humility and serenity are so combined, something else of great moment is apt to occur.  Many an A.A., once agnostic or atheistic, tell us that it was during this stage of Step Five that he first actually felt the presence of God.  And even those who had faith already often become conscious of God as they never were before.

            This feeling of being at one with God and man, this emerging from isolation through the open and honest sharing of our terrible burden of guilt, brings us to a resting place where we may prepare ourselves for the following Steps toward a full and meaningful sobriety.